You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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