Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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