mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
