I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
