you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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