so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
