Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
