Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
