you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
why do cheetos always look like penises
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
