My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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