Sry I called you an 8
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
