Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
