life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
