i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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