She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
