Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
