yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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