i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
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Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
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It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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