Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
