Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I have fence marks all over my body
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
