I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
