drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
