Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
