Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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