Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
