Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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