Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
