I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
