So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
