I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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