My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
