I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
