I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
