is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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