Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
