Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
