The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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