My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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