Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
