I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you will always have a special place in my vag
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
