so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
