i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I want her autograph on my taint
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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