my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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