first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
