im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
