Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Vodka?
Forever.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Randomize
