I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
