hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
