I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
