My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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