george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
3pm strippers are depressing
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
