I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
