Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
