I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
