Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
