FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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