Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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